Pattern: A set of written instructions that may or may not result in creating the object in the picture. Most patterns include a list of supplies, but this is for your amusement only. After all, Amazonian Rhesus yarn in smoky turquoise does not exist, and cannot be obtained. Patterns also have fun-to-do math problems, such as 1 dc in next 7 dc (34 dc made)…?!
Yo: Yarn Over, meaning you need to wrap your yarn over your hook. Of course, this assumes the yarn doesn’t split, fray or tangle. If this happens, yo then stands for, “Yell Outrageously.”
Dtrtrc: Double-treble-treble-crochet. This is a stitch where you yo four zillion times, insert hook in stitch and pull through the next two loops, repeating until all loops are off the hook, or until the end of time, whichever comes first.
Reverse sc: This stitch is the lefty’s revenge on all of us righties—for once we have to work backwards, too!
Catalog: A dangerous device that hypnotizes crocheters. It lulls them into a catatonic state, causing them to spend the family’s grocery money on patterns and yarn. It may also be an evil plot to cause the downfall of the American economy.
Hook: A device permanently attached to a crocheter’s hand. It is also connected to her blood supply, and if for some reason it becomes dislodged from her hand, she breaks into a sweat and starts to feel faint. If the hook cannot be immediately replaced, the only valid substitute is a catalog (see above).
Yarn: The only reason sheep farms still exist! It’s also what crocheters buy when they have money; if there’s any cash left over, they buy food and clothes.
Doily: This seemingly innocent item looks like a table protector, but if someone actually tries to put a wet glass or an ashtray on it, the creator will instantly turn into a snarling Doberman. Use doilies at your own peril.
Cat: A non-mechanical device used for unraveling afghans, unwinding skeins and keeping one’s lap warm. A cat requires daily maintenance in the form of light stroking.
Dog: Another non-mechanical device that is used for chasing down balls of yarn and putting tooth-mark engravings in wooden hooks. It’s a high-maintenance item that does not store easily.
Baby: A valid excuse to crochet something.
Housework: An ancient rite that was performed by some B.C. women (Before Crochet). Historians believe it may have had something to do with a device called a “vacuum cleaner,” which was kept in closets now occupied by yarn.